I was thinking about ways they could improve on 50 shades of grey, you know, aside from the absolute shit content, and thus far this is what I’ve come up with:
Replace all the periods with exclamation points
Christian carried a sleeping Chris from the plane straight into the booster seat of yet another waiting SUV! His sleepy eyes remained resolutely shut! That’s what a day of fresh air and excitement will do for you when you’re four! The thought had me smiling, warming my heart!
Replace “Christian” with “Pookie”
“I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Pookie-flavored popsicle! I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
Replace all mentions of the vagina with “shame basket”
“At the touch of leather, I quiver and gasp. He walks around me again, trailing the crop around the middle of my body. On his second circuit, he suddenly flicks the crop, and it hits me underneath my behind … against my shame basket … The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest, strangest, hedonistic feeling … My body convulses at the sweet, stinging bite. My nipples harden and elongate from the assault, and I moan loudly, pulling on my leather cuffs.”
Replace all mentions of the penis with “doodle”
“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his doodle springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How?”
Oh my god. You win. You win everything. Take all the awards, dear sir.